


The Locker Room

by TrueColours



Category: Buzz Lightyear of Star Command
Genre: Alcohol, Blow Jobs, Denial, Hand Jobs, Internalised Homophobia, M/M, Sexual Assault Mention, Transphobia mention, no feelings here no sir, the Not As Big A Fuckboy As You Could Have Been award, this is a feelings-free zone, toxic masculinity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 17:16:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17512670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrueColours/pseuds/TrueColours
Summary: ‘Right, Lightyear,’ Warp said. ‘Rules of a locker-room handie. Clothes stay on, no eye contact, and absolutely no kissing.’





	The Locker Room

**Author's Note:**

> I have carried a torch for Warp Darkmatter for almost two decades and I'm not going to stop now. In which Warp fails to work through any of his issues and Buzz goes along with it because...reasons? Also what are Buzz's speech patterns. You're a great character, Buzz, but you're not sexy. Why am I like this???
> 
> All comments welcome!

_Shore leave_ , Warp thought. _I love shore leave_. In some ways Star Command was like a boarding school that never ended, but at least that meant that every trip planetside was like a holiday. No grocery runs or daily commute for him. Capital Planet was where he came to party.

And he’d partied, not just hard but well. Just drunk enough to be pleasantly buzzed but still running on all cylinders – he stumbled a little; _most_ cylinders – and he was leaving the club early, arm in arm with a girl. Name of Luna – you got _so_ much further with women if you bothered to remember the first name, _honestly_ , some guys had no class – compatible species without any of that freaky shit, sticky-sweet eyes and a body that had his stomach squirming with anticipation. There’d been whistles from his fellow cadets and eye-rolling protests from her girlfriends when they’d stood up to leave together. Tomorrow he’d get roundly teased in the canteen and pretend not to enjoy it.

He glanced around and found Buzz at his elbow.

‘You turning in, buddy?’ he asked. _Code: do not think we’re walking together or start exchanging pleasantries with my girl_.

‘Yep,’ Buzz said. ‘Promised some of the first-year cadets I’d take them through tactical history tomorrow. Gotta prepare.’

‘This fucking guy, am I right?’ Warp said to Luna. ‘I’m kidding; he’s my best friend. See ya tomorrow!’ Buzz raised an arm in farewell as they peeled apart, Buzz heading for the station where the shuttles flew back and forth between Star Command and Capital Planet, and Warp and Luna to a taxi rank and wherever she called home.

Just like Buzz to leave early. Hell, it wasn’t like he was unpopular, or even like he didn’t know how to have fun. Warp even genuinely liked him; it was nice being certain you were the cool one in a pair. But boy howdy could that guy ruin a party.

‘Between you and me, sweetness, the Academy turns ’em all into nerds,’ Warp said to Luna. ‘I think you’d better remind me how to have fun while we’ve got time.’ He went in for a kiss. She didn’t lean into it properly; their noses banged. Then she stumbled; not a weave like he’d done, but a proper lurch.

‘Hey,’ he said, tightening his arm on her waist, ‘you okay?’

‘Yeah, yeah…’ Her head was hanging. Warp supported her to the taxi rank and eased her down onto a bench. She didn’t seem too sure which way was down.

‘How many did you have, doll?’ he asked, trying to see her face through all the hair hanging in the way.

‘M’fine,’ she mumbled. She didn’t look it. She was leaning way forwards, breathing slowly through her mouth. Warp knew the signs. He’d been there, once or twice, though he wouldn’t like to admit it.

‘Hey,’ he said again. ‘Hey? What’s my name?’ No response. Forget drunk, she looked about ready to pass out. Warp groaned internally. Unconscious girls were no fun, not to spend the night with and definitely not to carry home. ‘Luna,’ he said, ‘do I call you a cab, or – ’

Luna’s body lurched and she clapped a hand over her mouth. ‘Aw, hell no,’ Warp said, scrambling to his feet and out of the danger zone. He peered back towards the people milling about outside the club. It was hard to make out faces in the streetlamps, but was that a girl he recognised?

‘Hey,’ he called, ‘hey, are you Luna’s friend?’

And thank the stars, there they were, the girls he and Luna had left behind in the club just a few minutes ago.

‘I think she’s done for the night,’ he said, hauling Luna up off the bench and depositing her in their arms. She nuzzled up to one of them, clinging on, practically unconscious on her feet.

‘Venus, thank you!’ the girl exclaimed. She and her friend balanced Luna between them. ‘You’re a space ranger, aren’t you?’

‘That’s right,’ Warp said.

‘Thanks, sir.’ Sir White Knight, not Sir Stodgy Schoolteacher, he hoped.

‘No worries,’ he said. Damn, all three of them were perfect. He thought about trying to make a play for one of them instead, but that kind of thing only worked in movies. ‘You three get home safe.’

He turned on his heel, cursing the silly girl who didn’t know how many drinks was too many. Opposite the club he hesitated. The night was still young…but no, right now he wanted _that_ girl, not any girl. Besides, it wasn’t as though even a guy like Warp could just snap his fingers and pull, whatever jealous losers might think. It was too depressing to go back in and start the whole process over again from the beginning. He headed for the shuttle station.

Brown hair mussed around her shoulders, top showing off her tits…Warp could hardly believe he’d let her go. But then, you had to consider the long game. He would be lucky to keep his position at Star Command at all with allegations against him, let alone get close enough to the top to be of any use to Zurg. Besides, he’d turned evil to get paid. Traumatising women didn’t make money for anyone, except perhaps psychotherapists.

He turned into the station bay. Buzz was still there, just climbing into a shuttle.

‘Heyyy, buddy, wait up!’ Warp called, jogging to catch up. He thrust his arm between the closing doors, potential exposure to vacuum be damned, and shouldered his way into the shuttle.

‘Oh, hey, Warp,’ Buzz said. ‘Where’s, uh, that lady you met?’ They were always _women_ or _ladies_ to Buzz, never _girls._

‘Luna? Reckon she’d had too much to drink,’ Warp said, taking a seat as the shuttle took off. He saw Capital Planet falling away in the window behind them, taking the last of the night’s prospects with it. ‘Her friends took her home.’

‘Good work,’ Buzz said. ‘Even when we’re not on duty we can do our bit to make the universe a safer place.’

‘Hrmph,’ Warp said non-committally. His skin itched, and there was an aching hollow in his left arm where he’d thought he’d have it tight round Luna’s waist in a cab by now.

‘Hey, you sore?’ Buzz asked.

‘What?’ Warp pulled his face into a smirk before he turned away from the window and towards Buzz. ‘Naw, why would I be? After all, it’s not like I’m headed home alone, is it?’

He leaned in and planted a smacking kiss on Buzz’s cheek. But of course Buzz didn’t shove him off or do anything to show that Warp had got a rise out of him, just leaned longsufferingly away, so of course Warp had to push it further, smooching down his face and onto his neck. He slurped loudly right under Buzz’s ear, and then he heard Buzz catch his breath, and at the same time Warp’s stubble was catching on soft skin, one of those sensations you never remember when you’re dreaming by yourself but recognise instantly when it happens in real life. Warp breathed out, let his mouth close over Buzz’s neck and bit down.

‘Mmph!’ Buzz said. Warp pulled away. Buzz’s eyes met his, neutral and earnest.

‘You don’t hafta take everything so serious,’ Warp said cantankerously. Buzz, bless him, didn’t say anything about how unfair that was. He just leaned in slowly to kiss Warp’s lips.

Jupiter’s balls, of course the guy didn’t get that there was a difference between slobbering on your buddy’s neck and locking lips with him. Just like he didn’t get that you could rag a man all you wanted in the mess but never in front of his girl, or that there was a difference between the one bit of paperwork in ten that mattered and the nine that were going to get tossed in the trash, or that even though every little kid in the galaxy wanted to be a space ranger, you were going to raise a few eyebrows when you said it was your calling, not your job.

His skin stopped itching when Buzz’s hands came to rest on his shoulders, though. His arms weren’t empty any more. Plus, he kind of wanted to see how the king of procedure and rangerly comportment would react to getting tongued.

…by tonguing right back, apparently. Damn it all to the icy vacuum of space.

There was a loud hiss. The shuttle had docked and depressurised.

‘Come on, Lightyear,’ Warp said. The shuttles connected directly to the elevators, and he backed out and pushed the button for the cadet floor. ‘Never thought I’d see you making out in an elevator.’ He shoved Buzz into the wall, roughhousing.

‘Well, if you really want,’ Buzz said, leaning into him again like Warp’d put him up against that wall to kiss him. Warp ground his teeth. Didn’t he realise that this was a game of chicken that one of them had to lose?

It didn’t seem like it.

‘Have to say,’ he was murmuring, ‘I didn’t see this coming.’

‘Yeah, well, I’m a surprises kind of guy,’ Warp growled. ‘Didn’t see you going for it.’

‘I’m just full of surprises,’ Buzz said blithely. ‘Just because you’ve trained with someone for two years doesn’t mean you know everything about them.’

Wasn’t that the uncomfortable truth? Warp leaned in for another kiss, more to cut off that train of thought than anyone else.

‘Would it make you feel better to continue this?’ Buzz said against his mouth.

‘Feel better?’ Warp asked.

‘About Luna.’

‘Her?’ Damn it, he’d gone almost five minutes without thinking of a whorl of brown hair stuck to the sweat on her right breast. ‘Hey, for all you know you’re the one I really wanted and she’s the one making me feel better.’ Warp leaned in, and if he’d been hoping to recapture the atmosphere of that first messy kiss to Buzz’s cheek, he was foiled when Buzz met him in the kind of kiss that he himself specialised in because it made girls go weak at the knees and wet between the legs.

Right, no way he was going to bed alone after that. He felt like he was being pulled six ways at once; he wanted to crawl out of his own skin. He had to get some kind of relief or he’d go stir-crazy. But he also had to take control, because it was clear that his good buddy Lightyear had absolutely no idea how to conduct himself in this kind of situation.

‘Your room or mine?’ he asked. Star Command gave rangers their own study-bedrooms and expected them to be grateful for what every professional civilian in the galaxy could afford anyway.

‘Mine,’ Buzz said at once. ‘Last I looked, yours was not regulation-state.’

‘Way to get personal, Buzz,’ Warp said. The elevator pinged and they stepped off and slipped into Buzz’s room. It was immaculate; extra reading on the desk, bed made up tight as a drum. But Warp had to admit that the atmosphere was probably nicer. Literally. No laundry pile or empty take-out containers.

‘How do you want to do this?’ Buzz asked. He seemed to have swallowed all those leaflets about sexual communication whole, the same way he swallowed all literature that set out the proper procedure for things. He reached for the top button of Warp’s shirt.

‘Right, Lightyear,’ Warp said, batting his hand away. ‘Rules of a locker-room handie. Clothes stay on, no eye contact, and absolutely no kissing.’

‘That’s the opposite of what you always say I should do with women,’ Buzz said.

‘Yeah, well, I’m the opposite of a woman,’ Warp said, thumping himself down on the bed.

‘Now, I’m sure that’s not true for the vast majority of species – ’ Buzz said, sitting down beside him. Warp waved a hand impatiently.

‘Alright; no nudity, no eye contact, no kissing _and no talking_. Now are we doing this or what?’

‘Sure. Get it out, then,’ Buzz said agreeably. Warp closed his eyes, gritted his teeth and unzipped.

Buzz reached for him straight away – he had the courage of his convictions, that one – and tugged. And – Warp had been planning for a long, complicated night with nice views to compensate for his trouble, but Buzz had started jerking him with that economy of motion that only someone who actually had a dick of their own could really pull off, and that was its own kind of hot. _Craters_ , but he was wound up.

‘Alright,’ he slurred, fumbling for Buzz’s crotch. ‘Alright, c’mon, simultaneous orgasms.’

‘Sounds romantic,’ Buzz said, putting his free arm around him. Warp scoffed.

‘Look, the minute I’m done I’m going to realise what a bad idea this is, so if you want yours you’d better catch up, partner.’

‘Alright,’ Buzz said, slowing his hand down. Warp fought back a shiver of the kind of frustration that didn’t feel all bad. ‘Do you really not want to kiss?’ Buzz asked, face close to his but always so damned respectful.

‘Aww, fuck it,’ Warp grumbled, and leaned in. No chance of closing his eyes and imagining someone else, not with that stupid curl Buzz called a beard scraping his face, but…

Warp stilled, biting his own lip as a flare of pleasure went through him, and at the same time Buzz tumbled him backwards onto the bed, the same way he might tumble him onto the mat during a lighthearted sparring session. He was burly; he didn’t work out for vanity muscles like Warp and Ty and Rocket did, and so it was easy to forget how much power he was packing under layers of soft fat. Warp liked girls, he liked a nice sets of tits, he liked finding a girl who was up for a bit of rough and tumble and putting her on her front with a hand on the back of her neck as he fucked her, he liked…dammit, he liked Buzz’s weight on him, pinning him down by the shoulder. He liked Buzz’s hand on his dick. Buzz leaned down for another kiss, and Warp could smell his sweat, a smell he hadn’t realised was familiar until now, and wasn’t training going to be an interesting experience for the next few days? He couldn’t even reach Buzz’s cock properly from this angle, the bastard, and he was getting way too close again, though why he even cared about making this a two-way street he didn’t know.

‘Alright, slow up again, slow up,’ he panted.

‘Alright,’ Buzz said, hand leaving Warp’s cock to trace his balls. Warp felt a complicated, aching twist of pleasure in his groin.

‘C’mere…’ He rolled on his side, tugging on Buzz’s arm to bring him further up the bed so he could reach him better. ‘Damn, you get me much more worked up and I’m gonna start thinking sucking you off is a good idea.’

‘Whatever you’re comfortable with,’ Buzz said mildly. Warp smacked him on the shoulder and went back to jerking him. Honestly, it was doing something to him, being so turned on but not having anybody doing anything about it, and meanwhile still doing something for the other guy, and Buzz was pulling him in for another kiss, and it all kind of made him want to slide off the bed and onto his knees. So he did.

‘What you up to?’ Buzz asked, sitting up.

‘Living in the moment, just trying to be spontaneous, y’know,’ Warp muttered. He leaned in and put his mouth to work, wondering whether Buzz thought that this was new to him or that he was just as used to locker-room blowjobs as locker-room handjobs, and more to the point wondering what he _wanted_ Buzz to think. ‘Huh, you know what? Suddenly I respect women.’

‘You should respect women anyway,’ Buzz said sternly. ‘ _Oh_ jeez!’

‘Hold still, Lightyear, this is tougher than it looks,’ Warp said. ‘Ah…’ He slid deeper.

‘Get up here,’ Buzz said breathlessly, swinging his legs onto the bed and patting the space beside him.

‘Oh, great,’ Warp groused, climbing up, ‘we’re sixty-nining on the bed like a couple of – ’

‘Hey now, there’s no need for that kind of language,’ Buzz objected. ‘That could be any of our fellow rangers you’re talking about.’

‘Ugh, alright, message received,’ Warp said. Buzz leaned into his crotch, and either Warp had been extremely spoiled by the calibre of women he’d been sleeping with, or Buzz was terrible at giving head.

Then again, he was probably terrible too, but somehow having a cock in his mouth and someone’s – Buzz’s – mouth on him at the same time was driving him crazy – ow, teeth – his skin thrilled, he choked back a noise, sucking hard, the pleasure coiling up tight in his balls, and then he was –

Coming, the tiny part of his brain that was still online aware of the high, urgent, needy sounds that were coming out of his mouth, clinging to Buzz’s leg with his nails digging in and his forehead pressed hard into the big, sturdy muscle of his thigh.

Buzz swallowed, the bastard. Then he gave another firm suck, and Warp flinched back with a yelp.

‘Dammit, stop, that’s tender!’ he shouted, rolling away.

‘Sorry,’ Buzz said.

Warp sat up with a lurch. Buzz was propping himself up on his elbows as well.

‘You want to call it there?’ he asked.

‘Huh?’ Warp said. His ears were still ringing from how high his blood pressure had just climbed.

‘You said you wanted to stop after you’d – ’

‘Alright, alright, I know what I said,’ Warp said. He crawled back in beside Buzz. ‘C’mon, I’ll sort you out.’

It was much harder to avoid that eye contact he’d said wasn’t allowed now that he wasn’t screwing his eyes shut with pleasure. Buzz looked…a little doubtful, unsurprisingly, and this was the first time all evening that Warp had pulled his head out of his own arse long enough to consider how he was feeling about the whole thing. Well, Warp was selfish, and he planned to go on being selfish, but the least he could do was get his buddy off.

Buzz sucked in a breath, eyes fluttering shut.

‘Yeah, that’s it,’ Warp breathed in his ear. The words spilled out of him, seeming to bypass his brain. ‘You like that, yeah, gonna get you off, gonna make you come, that’s it, in my hand, come for me, come on…’

Buzz jolted against him and did. He was quieter than Warp had been, just a huff of air through his teeth as he slicked Warp’s right hand with jizz. Warp flexed his fingers, wishing for tidiness’ sake that he’d used his mouth as well.

‘Oof!’ Buzz exclaimed. He slumped back on the pillow for a moment, then reached over to the nightstand to grab a box of tissues.

‘Keep those close to hand, do you?’ Warp tried to smirk as he took one.

‘Well, a man has needs, you know,’ Buzz said. Warp couldn’t tell if there was irony in his voice or if he was just stating the facts. Damn it.

‘No cuddling,’ he said sternly, wiping his fingers.

‘You got it, pal,’ Buzz said. Neither of them moved for a moment. Warp raised an eyebrow. ‘You know this is my bed, right?’ he added.

‘Oh,’ Warp said. ‘Right.’ He rolled to his feet, buttoning is fly as he went. He was feeling oddly…anticlimactic, for all he’d had quite a climax. There was no reason for it. If he’d gone home with…what was her name…? Luna, he’d have been playing the space ranger card right about now to explain why he couldn’t stay the night. Everything was on schedule. More or less.

‘Are you seriously going to start on those kids’ homework now?’ he asked, leaning in the doorway. Buzz was finishing blotting the spunk off his front. His shirt was going to need laundering.

‘Sure I am,’ he said, getting to his feet and tossing the tissue away. ‘The night is yet young, as they say.’

Warp felt a quick swoop in his gut/groin at that phrase, which was just ridiculous. He tamped it down impatiently. ‘Well, I’d tell you to enjoy it…hey, you probably will.’

‘I think so,’ Buzz said. He suddenly threw Warp a searching look, the kind that always made him feel for a moment like his treachery had been discovered, impossible though that was. ‘You’re an odd guy, Warp, you know that?’

‘What?’ Warp said indignantly. ‘I’m a totally normal guy!’

‘Hmm,’ Buzz said. ‘You might be right there. Well, any time, buddy; you know that.’

Warp snorted. ‘Sure. Get in line, Lightyear; I’m a popular guy.’ Buzz just shook his head good-naturedly, already settling down at his desk.

Warp hovered in the doorway for another moment, then turned away with a scowl. If he had to go whether he liked it or not, the least Buzz could do was wish he would stay. But there was no way Mister Straightforward would see that.

Buzz Lightyear would happily do anything a friend asked of him. Warp Darkmatter wasn’t going to ask.

 

 


End file.
